Transparency... not always easy!

Today, I'm going to post something that I wrote back when I was in the throes of the struggles that I have mentioned here in my initial post. This is setting the background for my next post. The next one is a difficult one that I am still struggling with writing. Honestly... I'm figuring out that it is much easier to be "transparent" after the fact. In other words... I WAS struggling with thus and such, but the Lord has given me victory. It is MUCH harder to admit "This is a current and ongoing struggle."

However, I have learned that one of the steps to victory (in my life at least) is admitting the problem, and asking for help, or prayer, or accountability. It is NOT an easy thing to make myself so vulnerable, and open to judgement and criticism. This being said... from the notes that I receive it would appear that being honest and open about my struggles has been an encouragement to some. If recounting MY battles can keep someone from doing what I so often do (learn things the hard way) then it will be worth it.

Now... I'm sure everyone is waiting with bated breath to hear my next "confession." Well... I'm not ready to share it quite yet. For today... here is something that I wrote in the beginning of this journey of "transparency."

Being Real... balancing truth with tact :)

by Amy Christine Bixby on Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 10:10pm

As humans, we seem to have a need to present a "perfect" front. We are always "fine." We do not allow ourselves, society doesn't allow us, to be real and when we are, it makes those around us uncomfortable.

For instance, the expected answer to the greeting, "How are you doing?" seems to be "Great, good, fine, doing well..." whether that is truth or prevarication doesn't really matter. It is the expected and polite response.

No one is allowed to grieve over the loss of a loved one for very long. They are expected to "give it a few weeks," and then move on with the perfect facade in place. No one really wants to see raw grief. We are not allowed to grieve over the loss of dreams, hopes, goals, relationships. There is to be no sadness over the loss of friendships, or a miscarriage (The loss of a CHILD.) One is not allowed to agonize over infertility, or loneliness, the diagnosis of stage IV cancer, and one CERTAINLY is not allowed to be angry at God!!! (Angry at God? How shocking!?!?! I'm SURE that none of you are carnal enough to be angry with God, but I can say that I have been, and probably will be again :)

Several years ago, I decided that I was tired of the hypocrisy. I'm tired of attempting to present "the perfect front." I am not going to pretend that I have a perfect life, a perfect job, perfect friends and family, and LEAST of all, a perfect ME. Guess what??? Newsflash! AMY CHRISTINE IS NOT PERFECT!

What does this mean? Well it means that I try to be real. I try to be transparent. Yup, those of you who know me know that I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. You know that one of my biggest fears is dying alone and forgotten in some nursing home somewhere :) You know that I desire to be married, but only if God is in it, and that if He is not in it, I desire more than anything to learn to be content in the life that He has chosen for me. You also know that sometimes I find this to be a difficult thing. Still... this is not an all consuming desire. (But while I'm on the subject, why is it OK for a childless couple to yearn for a child, but NOT okay for a single gal to yearn for love?)


I have often said, and will continue to say that I could not ask for a better job. I LOVE what I do. Is it always easy? NO WAY! Still, I love my job, and I know that not many people can joy in their work as I can.

I have been blessed incredibly with friends who love and support me, are forgiving when I fail, and cheer me when I succeed. I have a family who loves me, even if they don't understand why I can't be more like them :) Still, even with all these blessings, my life is not perfect.

One of my big struggles in the attempt to be real, to practice "radical honesty" is the struggle with knowing when to speak, and when to keep my mouth shut :) This is another of those areas where I am thankful for friends who love me even when I make mistakes.


I LOVE the book of Psalms. David was "real" I mean... lets see... (runs to the car for her Bible. Oops! I took my "car Bible" into the house the other day, and I'm at the office. Guess I need an office Bible :) Oh well. David was real. He praised, he sang, he grumbled, he complained, he pleaded with God... and we have all of this recorded for us. LOVE IT!!!!
So... I am going to continue to attempt to be real. If this makes you uncomfortable, well... I'm sorry. What you see is what you get. And to those who really love me, when I go overboard with my radical honesty, come to me and tell me. As long as it is TRUE, and is based in love I need to hear it :) If it is untrue, or unkind... well... I still need to hear it, so that I can learn to respond as I should.

GRACE
My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You?I know I don't deserve You. And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

Chorus*
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."
You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."